Self-Administered Colonoscopy Key “Personal Responsibility” Feature In GOP Health Care Plan. Satire

Mike Pence Colonoscopy
Mike Pence explains his self-administered colonoscopy. Photo By Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, United States of America (Mike Pence) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (], via Wikimedia Commons

Washington DC – Vice President Mike Pence explained that Americans needed to take more “Personal Responsibility” for their health care and said a self-administered colonoscopy was one example how Americans could benefit with the Republican Health Care Plan.

AARP Members Madder than Hell at Colonoscopy Feature

A spokesperson for The Association of Angry Retired People said they were “madder than hell” that Mike Pence and the Republicans wanted them to do their own colonoscopies. “How does that exactly work?” was the main question of many members.

Mike Pence replied to AARP member concerns. “President Trump and I have already tested the procedure, and let me tell you, a self-administered colonoscopy is as easy as sliding a straw through chocolate mousse. Frankly, it was enjoyable.”

Mitch McConnell Hasn’t Had a Bowel Movement in Years

A health aide who works behind the scenes to keep Mitch McConnell alive says that the Senator has not had a bowel movement in years. “Administering a colonoscopy on Senator McConnell would be virtually impossible he is so compacted with excrement,” the aide said.

Paul Ryan Excited About Self-Administered Colonoscopy

Representative Paul Ryan said he was not quite old enough for a colonoscopy but was so excited about the possibility of self-administering one that he might get one early. “It sounds like a lot of fun and is a key feature in the Republican health care plan so I think I should try it.” Ryan went on to say the self-administration strategy could be expanded in the health care plan to include testicular cancer surgery. “I won’t be trying that one,” he joked, “but it could be beneficial to many in need who aren’t wealthy enough to purchase insurance to cover real doctors. Americans – we are self-reliant and independent and we can continue that fine tradition with health care.”